***************
I wrote about my chronic occasional health thing recently. I just realized that the likely source of my recent remission was my abstention from alcohol. I didn’t drink from January through April. In the last 2 months I have had more symptoms despite being okay during spring allergy season and while sleep deprived. I am going to start a new experiment. It’s not super complicated: I’m going to stop drinking again and see how I do. I’m pretty irritated but on balance I would much rather not drink than have the annoying and often debilitating symptoms I have to deal with. I’d be curious if the aforementioned provoking factors would still provoke symptoms if I’m not drinking at all. I look forward to this new era of discovery.
***************
Today I started my second year of residency. It was mostly a fun day. Figuring out how much time I had to teach and how much time I had to do my own work was something of a task. And watching the new interns work gave me a little PTSD flashback and I had to remind myself that I never had to be at the bottom of that learning curve again. It was a little like the feeling I had during my second pregnancy when I viscerally remembered the experience of labor and was like “Oh SHIT” about having to do it again. Except this time it came with the happy reality that I DON’T have to do it again. Second year will be hard in a different way but it won’t be hard in the myriad of ways first year was hard. Learning to be a doctor, manage orders, notes, pages, locating places in the hospital, meeting my superiors (literally everyone on the care team) and managing expectations...breathe, breathe, breathe. Anyway, suffice it to say that it’s a new year and I’m pretty happy about that!
***************
Today I went for a swim after work. It was perfection, floating on the cool water during a hot evening, staring up at the puffy clouds in the sky. I almost went to ballet but I decided against it. The class tonight is a 90 minute class. Not sure I’m up for 90 minutes of ballet just yet. Maybe next week!
***************
I have gone to 3 ballet classes during my “summer vacation”. Last night I inspired 3 of my co-workers to go with me to that 90 minute beginner ballet class. It was a good class! Not too many jumps (which I have to sit out due to old injuries I’m not quite ready to poke) It is also closer to my house. I liked it a lot! And it was fun to go with friends. Ballet is hard but also something I feel competent at. It challenges me but is also meditative.
***************
That person I was falling out of interest with ran out of patience for my schedule so they have been “archived” per their request. But now I’m back on one of those swipey dating apps and I’m surprised by how much choice I have in dating options. I’m quite limited by my own availability but otherwise I feel really good about my options. And I continue to be completely unapologetic about my availability or lack thereof.
***************
Until recently I have been overwhelmed by an urge to act in a way that is contrary to my best interests regarding my ex-husband. I know that these urges are part of the grief process and that I shouldn’t act on them. Last time I was bowled over by these desires, I also realized that if I were to cave into them, I’d be investing emotional labor into a relationship that already showed me that my emotional labor did not bear fruit. Something about that realization has helped free me from the fantasy of reconciliation. Also I’ve had a few opportunities to cry about the whole thing that have been very cathartic.
No comments:
Post a Comment