Highs and lows, but mostly highs

I just had the best day ever!!!

It started with an interesting surgery, that I did not actually do but rather watched 2 community docs work together to do. It was interesting because of the problems of approach and there were some techniques that were used to accomplish the surgery that were the very definition of mastery. The problem was not one either had exactly seen before, the situation required flexible problem-solving, innovative application of familiar surgical techniques and a good bit of communication and collaboration. It was an interesting bit of medicine. And an interesting bit of people watching, to see a relatively recently graduated physician (it was his patient) work with one of his more experienced partners.

After the surgery, I found out that I PASSED my Step 3 exam! Last hurdle before I abandon general medicine and start focusing on Ob/Gyn stuff exclusively!! The stupid exam administrators send you an email, make you log into a rarely used account, download a score report and THEN open the report to find out whether or not you passed. Believe me, doing all that shit then seeing the word FAIL on your score report is heartbreaking. But no more!!!

Then I did a cool ED consultation for a patient who needed to be admitted. I got a lot of the workup right and learned a lot about managing this diagnosis. She’ll be my patient for the next few days.

In the afternoon, I got to do a cool in office procedure that we have done exclusively in the OR until very recently. It was a boatload of fun. Then I put in an IUD, and THEN I put in a Nexplanon. Birth control!!!!

Then I met the boy who is dog sitting for me and found out that he and his mother are lovely and are going to watch Bear for me while I’m on a 24 this weekend. I had dinner with my dear friend Christy from Portland who is here with her extended family on a vacation. She dragged them from Nashville for the week so that we could hang too! Efficiency!

Finally, my swipey app has born some interesting fruit and I’m enjoying some texts and planning some dates. This has been an all around amazing and fun day. Yay!!!!

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I think it is safe to say that I’m having a good week. I’m so fucking relieved not to be an intern anymore I can’t even tell you. I underestimated what a difference it would make to my coping, my mood and my performance. Being just a resident (well and a dog mom) is so much easier than being a singlemotherresident. I had aspirations of getting some home updates done but I find I’m not focusing on that as much after all. The time I’m not parenting, I’ve filled with other things. I’ve done some administrative and educational tasks, I’ve done a few things around the house, I’ve spent some time with friends & on dates. But honestly, I had a lot bigger to do list than what I’m accomplishing. Part of the issue is that I’m saving money for my vacation, part of it is that if I have time, I’m choosing to use it to relax or have fun. Errands and buying house fixer upper things is not as entertaining.

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I worked a 24 hour shift this weekend, something doesn’t happen in intern year in our program, but will happen a LOT this year, and continue but to a lesser extent for 3rd and 4the year. It is actually more than 24, I started at 6am on Saturday and left around 8:15am on Sunday. It was an absolutely insane night after a series of what were apparently record breaking days on L&D. I personally attended 6 deliveries, was primary surgeon on 2 cesareans, assisted another, and did 3 vaginal deliveries. I could have done a cesarean delivery of twins too if I hadn’t felt like I was losing my mind by that point. Plus the 2nd year answers the answering service pages and there was a fair amount of helping the intern figure out how to do her job. July is a nutty time. I am a bit intimidated by the 24 hour shift. I am worried it is going to kill me. That is only a little bit of hyperbole.

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Power napping seems to be a crucial element to managing my new weekend work schedule. I took a 20-30 minute nap the 2 days following my weekend and I was able to go to ballet class and take the dog to the vet and make dinner (well dinner happened on the not-ballet class night at least). I set my timer for 30 minutes and just let myself drift off. I don’t think I slept hard but it was very restorative!

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I’m only going to parent full time living with me children for another 3 years. One of my kids only has 2 years left on her lease. I can’t believe it is almost over! Thank goodness for the dog.

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Until recently I was struggling with temptation to suggest reconciliation to my ex-husband. To be clear, the idea is a product of a tiny minority portion of my mind. The rest of my mind is working on bringing her around, but she’s pretty stubborn in the notion that the only happiness in my future lies in the past. and is gone now. When I realized how such an action would be repeating self-defeating behaviors of the past, a lot of the wind was taken out of her sails and she’s been pretty quiet since for a few weeks.

But right now my co-parent is with the kids, staying with my parents at a property that we have in Northern California. A place my children will someday own. He’s helping clean up from a tragedy there and doing traditional fun things - swimming hole & soft serve - with the kids. So last night that tiny short sighted part of my brain did something only your brain can do. It delivered unto me a dream, full of visceral, physical sensations. Reminding me what good parts of a long marriage include. It wasn’t a sex dream. That I could handle. It was a dream of walking next to someone, hands gently intertwined, feeling their breath on your neck. The comfort, familiarity, intimacy were overwhelming. But it was a dream, the reality was starker. My body aches for something it hasn’t had from my ex in years. My stupid brain doesn’t care how long it’s been, it’s so sure we could have it again if only I would…

Even in the dream I managed to stop myself. I left the room, I tried to walk up stairs but they were covered with obstacles (tiny stupid part didn’t want me to leave I guess). I’m left this morning with the aching feeling of a missing touch. Grief is a circle.

(Has anyone noticed I have 2 terms for the same person? He is my ex-husband when we are talking about the relationship between us that is gone. He is my co-parent when we are talking about the relationship I still have with him. That’s deliberate)