Sorry for the hold up, I had more posts waiting than I realized!

My son is saving me from bitterness. Having a son keeps me from thinking and making broad statements about “men.” This is very useful as I am feeling quite burnt by one man and the human mind loves to generalize from individual experiences. This afternoon specifically, I was discussing video games and how an adult friend of mine has played video games with him and would like to do so again in the future. I wanted to make some sort of comment about the immaturity of men, both because of the video games but also because of the many similarities I have seen between the sense of humor of my 14yo son and those of young adult men I have had as classmates and co-workers in recent years. Instead of being negative about these aspects, I found a different explanation. I don’t have any idea if it is any more accurate than knee-jerk assessments of immaturity, but it was nice to be able to think of an interpretation that wouldn’t leave my son thinking I had a low opinion of his potential as a human and a man. 

My theory is this: part of the reason many men display interests in “juvenile” things - video games, potty humor, etc. - is in part because they have the luxury of not having to think of deadly serious things as often as women. We are concerned about safety, about assault, about sexual harassment, about being taken seriously. This sucks some joy out of the room. Men (just white men? I don’t know I’m still fleshing this out) don’t have the same burdens and they hold onto more of their innocence and their easy access to joy and laughter. When I posed this theory, I also said that the lesson in this notion for me is that I could remember some of that joy, re-embrace some of that innocence for myself and generally be more fun. It may be an indictment of patriarchy, but not of the character of men as a category of humans. And it flows with my goal of being a more joyful person. 

(there’s a whole thing coming up for me now about emotional labor and how primary responsibility for it contributes to the loss of joy & innocence but I’m just making that connection now as I’m writing, it wasn’t part of the original thought. Huh, I wonder about that too)

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Unfortunately I did not keep any records of the funny little things my kids said when they were smaller. I’m sure they were entertaining. Fortunately, it isn’t too late to be entertained by conversations with my kids! Here are a few gems from the last few nights: 

• We spent at least a half an hour debating about whether or not we were going to do 3 minutes & 10 seconds of mindfulness meditation as a family for 5 days this coming week. Though I have stated before that this is a beneficial activity, there was still mighty skepticism that I wasn’t just making up “studies” to get them to do what I wanted. So this time, there were medline searches, discussions of scientific jargon (“It says *may* help! Not a guarantee!”), some threats that requiring this to be done would cause permanent psychological scarring and negative associations that would damage any future efforts at meditation, a lot of stubbornness. Eventually they agreed to four days and reserved the right to complain about the bell I had chosen for the exercise. The fact that we spent 10 times the amount of time arguing as we would have spent meditating was lost on no one. And the monumental amount of STUBBORN that resides in this house is off the charts.  (As I'm publishing this, I'll add that I *completely* failed in my effort. I did not remember meditation practice ONCE in the last week at a practical moment in time that would have allowed us to continue the habit! So much for a hard fought battle!)
• On the car ride to and from soccer practice, topics of discussion included: what if I bought a motorcycle, emancipation, legal adulthood while still living with your parents as a legal adult and the impact it would have on freedom and life choices (like if I could own a motorcycle), that there is very little that would cause me to kick you out of my house (Okay, not if I got a motorcycle, but like if I were making crack in the basement?), crack vs meth, the basic premise of Breaking Bad, how awesome it would be to be a chemist, how such a show would have no traction if there were universal health care, having a teenager and an infant siblings in a family, cerebral palsy, the mechanics of delivering a baby, the difference between a roast and an insult, and a whole lot of groan-inducing rhymes
• Tonight I spent a half an hour playing soccer & basketball with Duncan. He is significantly improving his ball handling skills in soccer and I got him an indoor mini hoop that fits over a door for Yule. It was fun, though it mostly involved me trying unsuccessfully to get the ball away from him! 

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I know that modern medicine has a reputation for running too many diagnostic tests, and probably that is the case. However, we are trained to be thoughtful about the tests we run. The key question is: will it change your management? When a patient presents with signs & symptoms and you are initiating an assessment or a treatment plan, would the results of a given test change the plan you are implementing? If it wouldn’t, then don’t do the test. 

In that spirit, I did not watch the State of the Union address. Our president is a racist, a sexual predator, and fascist and I despise him and the parties in our government that are colluding to keep him in power and I want to work actively against them. Watching the SOTU will not change my management. It is an unnecessary test of my sanity & coping during an already difficult time. I wouldn’t subject a fragile patient to a cardiac stress test. I’m not going to subject myself to that horrible human being. 

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This evening I was running a stupid errand and spent most of it talking to my mom. She’s not entirely comfortable with me talking on the phone while I drive but there are really so few moments that I can have conversations, I think she’s made her peace with it. As a mother, I appreciate the trepidation. I’m fairly certain my kids are off dead in a ditch somewhere several times a month and they don’t even drive yet. 

So anyway, was running this errand and chatting and my mom came up with the best word to describe my mental state right now. I’m squarely in an IDGAF sort of mood about things, but not in an angry or stressed out way, just in a way where I can’t really bring myself to get activated by most things anymore. She observed that I am “saturated” and that is excellent. I’m not going to be running short of stressors any time soon, but for now, I have a hard time soaking in and responding to anything more. From professional feedback to adolescent backtalk, I’m just saturated. It has brought me to an interesting place of detachment. It feels a bit liberating, not to have the emotional reactions I often have to personal interactions. Happily, I don’t think the change is a sign of impending breakdown, I think it is more a sign of resiliency and healing. 

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A few of things happened today that gave me a sense of mastery & accomplishment: 

• I got the leg drape on correctly. These things are insane pieces of plastic & paper that drape over the legs of prepped, sleeping patients for pelvic surgery. They are folded in a way to make medical students & baby interns cry. 
• I did 2 hysteroscopies, which are procedures where you dilate the cervix and stick a camera in the uterus. They are pretty straightforward but still, I did them! 
• A medical student gave up a chair for me. “Pecking order” he replied when I told him I didn’t mind standing. He was right, I gave up my chair for years, looking forward to the time I could sit. Now I get to! 
• I think the second half of this year and next are going to be nice. The feeling that I know what I’m doing, I’m learning a lot and can demonstrate that learning in the OR and in clinic. Of course, the first half of the year will be a lot of starting over, not knowing much, as my scope of practice expands every year, starting in July. 

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Both my kids have the crud: one lost his voice, the other has stuffed up sinuses, both are dragging and playing the “who is sicker?” game. Fortunately, I’m on a brief outpatient rotation so I have later starts in the AM. Unfortunately, 2 sickies means there’s no one else to do chores around the house (I do NOT want them touching clean dishes!) and I am trying to sneak a day’s worth of parenting sick-care into the few minutes I have in the AM. Yesterday I assessed throats, made tea, gave out meds, set a kid up on the couch and walked the dog when I hadn’t even planned on having anyone else in the house with me while I was getting ready. Somehow I managed to show up to clinic on time! And I had “admin time” in the afternoon so I was able to go home and make the sickie some lunch and do my work on the couch, keeping him company while he laid there, staring into space. He’s lethargic enough and feeling worse this AM that I was inspired to bring him to his doctor for a flu swab (they did a strep too for good measure, both negative!). Today both kids are home though I suspect one of them will be back at school tomorrow (whether she likes it or not). I hope that if they infect me they will remember all the TLC they are getting and return the favor if I’m down for the count!