I don’t usually exhibit disordered eating, but the disorder is always there. For years I was able to cope by ignoring my eating habits. While that worked in my 20s and 30s, as I have progressed through my 40s I have been struggling to find a new way to relate to food and eating so that I can maintain a healthy, active body that will allow me to do the things that I need and want to do. I’ve had a few pitfalls as I’ve tried to turn back toward thinking about food, including a really bad stretch where I ended up eating fewer and fewer calories each day. It didn’t take long to get my calorie count so low I was unable to function. Turns out, starving your body also starves your brain, which made learning next to impossible. Despite knowing this was horribly unhealthy behavior, I required medical intervention to break the cycle and regain my ability to eat to sustain myself.
So for me, making changes to my diet & fitness routines is a process that is fraught and stressful. How can I change my habits and improve my health without launching back into disordered eating and illness? This post won't have that answer tied up neatly in a bow, because I don’t have it yet. I’m still working on it.
Recently I realized that I need to change my behavior in order to get quality of life back. By the end of my holiday schedule, I was sick, literally and figuratively, from my diet. I was out of shape, over-sugared and tired of eating crap. I decided that I would have a “dry” January. No booze, no desserts. I started when I got home from vacation on Jan 3rd. I needed a reset. I was very deliberate in my rules, or lack thereof: I’m not cutting out hidden sugars, restricting carbs or fat or even portions and not overthinking it: just no desserts and no booze. No booze felt necessary to help me meet the no desserts goal. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and diminishes decision making. I need my A game for this effort.
Since then, I have pretty effectively detoxed from the sugar. I’ve started to add back treats, one small item every once in a while. That I feel better and have better fitting clothes is not surprising. That I have been able to refuse quite a lot of temptation has been more so. I get free food in the hospital cafeteria and there are candy bars, baked goods, a milkshake machine and one of those fountain drink machines that has a million flavor options. I suck at saying no to sugar and temptation abounds in my daily life!
It is helping me is thinking of a dessert or a temptation as if it were a bottle of vodka and I were a drunk. If I were a drunk, it wouldn’t be okay for me to dip into a bottle of vodka. Even if other people can do it, I cannot. Accepting that fact has made it a bit easier to resist junk food at work.
When I think about desserts like an addict, it feels more honest. It keeps me from slipping into temptation and escape. I acknowledge the harm food has done to me. While I recognize that I can’t stay away from all food (if only there were a pill you could take instead of eating!), I can stay away from desserts. I can regain control over my hunger & satiety, I can FEEL instead of get a sugar buzz. I can eat fruit or drink water or get seconds. Again, the goal of this is not to lose weight, it’s to feel better, without spiraling into self-destruction.
This is a new approach and so far it is working for me. In a week I am starting a new rotation that will have me adding more stress and sleep deprivation back into my life. I know that these things make brains crave fat and sugar. I’m hopeful I will be able to continue to resist harmful substances. Wish me luck!
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