Even my mantras are efficient

I cannot believe the tight margins on which I am operating while my co-parent works part time and is so totally disconnected from the day to day operations of his kids lives. Honestly when we broke up I didn’t think we’d end up in this situation. After 15 years of being an engaged and loving father, I am totally puzzled that he has made life choices that both keep him living so far away from his kids and so incapable of supporting them financially. I’m not sure how I am going to make it through this winter. The weather here has been a lot colder than I expected and my utility bills are a LOT higher than they were over the summer. Meanwhile, I get serious pushback when I try to discuss expenses we agreed to share and the fact that our son has had braces on his face for 7 months without any orthodontist care. The psychological stress that I have trying to negotiate these conversations is immense. I get called greedy, told that “my financial problems” are not his responsibility, accused of suggesting things I have not suggested, like that he go live with his parents. It would seem that for now, divorce has not freed me from fighting with my co-parent about money.

My neck has been hurting so badly it has been giving me headaches. My shoulders are rock hard, I can’t turn my head, I wake up with pain. I’ve been trying to stretch my neck, work on the tension but really the thing I need is a massage. I need to figure out a way to get to the community wellness nonprofit place to get a massage. They are relatively inexpensive and I think I can swing it. If I can find the time. Maybe this weekend.

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We had some unexpected (to me, but I’m not really paying attention) snow and another brittle cold snap. The kids didn’t have school yesterday and it was also cancelled today. I had clinic in the afternoon. When people started cancelling, they sent some of us home. I unabashedly raised my hand and offered to leave. I know it is something of a faux pas to try to get out of even a little bit of work in residency, but I was so burnt I didn’t even care. After I got to my car, I thought I’d try to get a massage. Turns out the front desk lady had *just* gotten there (at 3:15) and there was one therapist who was willing to come in if there were any clients. We agreed to a rendezvous time and I had time to go buy groceries and a snow shovel before getting a very necessary massage. My shoulders feel so much better. I sprung for a 90 minute massage and it was worth it. It took most of the time for her to get my muscles loose enough for her to be able to get deep into my knots.

I love “alternative” health care. I actually cried while I was getting a massage and it helped me release some of the tension and pain I’m holding onto. My body is wearing my heartache right now and it is causing me physical pain. I’ve already blogged about feeling physically starved of touch and the hardships of being single, busy and not interested in cheap sex. I think if I could afford to get regular massages, it would really help my touch-starvation. It is something I aspired to at the beginning of residency, I went to this wellness center and got a couple of cheap massages when I first got here. But the truth is I don’t really have the money to spend on myself in this way. I did it this month because I was in pain. But I have a physical therapy bill that is gathering dust and some orthodotics that apparently I’m going to be paying for alone, and dear gods if the weather doesn’t cut us a break soon, our utility bills are going to break me. I’m depleting my hard won savings account for monthly expenses. For now, a massage is a luxury if it isn’t an emergency.

I feel compelled to remind myself that things are much better now than they were before. Every other Friday a magic fairy puts money in my bank account, reliably and predictably. Though I was depleted over the holidays and with the weather, I have been able to squirrel away money and I expect when my electric bill isn’t $200/month I will be able to do so again. The days are lengthening, I come home to West Asheville with a beautiful view of twilight over the mountains. Imbolc is on the horizon. Winter is breaking. Like many things before they end, Winter is storming and furious, fighting against the inevitable. But it will end.

This Too Shall Pass.