Wherein I process loss and try to learn from it

One of the things that I had over the break was processing time. It turns out, I’m really still very very sad about the dissolution of my marriage. 

Ah, the sadness, wow. I am so sad. I am not living the life I imagined for myself and I’m still mourning that loss. I don’t know what the future will hold, my friends who have been through this tell me that there is joy and life on the other side and right now I’m just taking their word for it. I hate mourning, it feels so futile. But I also have enough insight to know that it is necessary. That papering over it with my image of the person I want to be, a version of me that I hope will come to be someday, that doesn’t help. It just suffocates the person I am right now. Honestly the person I am right now isn’t really someone I want to be anyway. I am sad and scared and alone. It is so hard not to turn back to him, to re-engage in a friendship that has sustained me through so many hard moments in my life. I wish it could help me through this one. I want my best friend back. But the fact is my best friend has been gone a lot longer than this year. My best friend stopped caring about things that were hurting me a long time ago. He stopped seeing me as a whole person who was strong and weak, providing and needing, seeking and wise. We became caricatures in each others’ minds some time ago.

I have lots of conflicting feelings about the choices my ex is making. I also hate the term “my ex” it feels like it defines our relationship and our history by only the worst part of it. We were friends, lovers, each others’ biggest fan and cheerleader for over 2 decades. But we grew apart. So by all means, let’s focus on that last bit.

I continue to want well for him, worry about him and wonder how he’s doing. And from a practical perspective, our lives are still intertwined, while we are co-parents, and while I depend on him for child support, I am still invested in him. As much as it pains me, as much as I don’t want it, it is still true. But I have taken myself out of a role where I get any insight or any influence into this life that so much affects my own. That is really hard for a control freak to handle.

I am struggling with what to say next, it is all an unformed mass of inarticulate pain - regret, disappointment, sadness, failure, shame, defeat, helplessness. I didn't want this for myself and I keep coming back to that refrain, "This isn't how I wanted my life to turn out" I keep trying to make it look like something other than what it feels like - a failure. I guess what I'm trying to do is build the thing I'm going to have next before I've let the dust settle on the thing that fell down. Cart before the horse is really classic Larissa. Nice to know that I get to keep taking the same approach in a myriad of different ways (/sarcasm). 

The concrete take-aways from this break will be helpful, I think:

1. I need to carve out more Me time at home. There will be nights that Mom just goes to her room and disappears. No dinner, no dog walking, not much interacting with kids. I need more cocoon time than I’m getting.
2. I’m going to stop trying to date. It was a poor imitation and my heart was so not in it. I was like a robot and it felt so wrong. I am going to update my profiles to highlight my extreme unfitness for LTRs. If people want to make friends, I’m game. Otherwise, I’m officially off the market for the foreseeable future. 
3. I’m going to try really hard to get massages. Time and money are very tight but it would be a good thing for me to get some touch and some relaxation. I’m so human contact starved (and have been for at least a year now), but I’m not interested in hook ups and I don’t have the right kind of friends here yet to feel okay with a FWB set up. I’m a very sex positive person, but I’m also really not into cheap sex. I have expensive tastes, emotionally speaking, and it is taking some time to build up the accounts
4. Spend more time crying. Even if you have to write super emo blog posts to bring out the pain. I’m not nearly as cried out as I need to be. I imagine, theoretically, there will be an end to my tears at some point. But I can’t see it from here yet. 
5. For the love of all that is sacred, Larissa, be gentle with yourself.