Vacation

Day one of my vacation was quite productive - I had an eye exam, did some important banking, figured out what I needed to do to register to vote (need a NC ID card first, all set to get one of those this week). The kids were released from school at 1pm in anticipation of Irma’s dregs hitting us here in the mountains. (Power is flickering a bit over the last hour, I can hear the wind blowing over my roof, this seems to be the real deal) And I spent a lot of time unpacking my loft. Getting the meditation space & my altar set up was like getting the best hug from an old friend (hint: his name is Keith). The desk is a *disaster* but in a darkness before the storm kind of way that I can totally handle. I’m optimistic that I will be able to get it done tomorrow. We’ll see.

Despite my continued efforts, my brain is not allowing my logical side to run things completely. Having the space to peruse my belongings also gave me space to feel loss and nostalgia. The grief is fresh, raw and close to the surface. A healed person does not cry as readily as I can be driven to tears. Unfortunately, this is not my first death (literally or figuratively) so I know this pain won’t last forever but also that it won’t ever go away completely. The edges will wear down, there will be space for nuance and subtlety in my reflections. I will be able to remember that I was happy without it making me instantly sad.

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Vacation is almost over. There was some unexpectedness this week - my mom came up for a few days as a refugee from Irma. Ironically, we ended up losing power for a day and a half. Since the kids were out of school and there was nothing to do at home, we took the dog for an easy, little hike to Triple Falls in DuPont state forest. Whether or not any particular terrain we are exploring would make a good arena for the Hunger Games is a common topic of discussion when we go hiking so it was fun to be able to explore a forest that was literally the arena. The kids climbed like crazy people on slick rocks because they don’t love their mother and they want to worry her into an early grave. Also it was really cool.

I’ve been peppering my days with the last bit of unpacking and organizing from the move. My loft is now set up and my desk is ready to be used for productive, grown-up tasks. I have always had a theoretical appreciation for built-in bookshelves but now my adoration comes from the direct experience of filling shelves and shelves with books, knick knacks, files, art, photos, etc. I have more space than I have things to fill it!

I also took up needle felting again, attempted to make a ladybug but it turned into a mouse (it was orange colored, but still, that transition demonstrates my challenges as a craftsperson. I am still pretty lousy at taking ideas from my head and making them tangible. I switched to mass producing a bunch of little hearts and I made a little family of jack o’lanterns. I think I’m going to invest in those thick rubber finger condoms - I really like felting but the risk of stabbing my fingers and causing teeny, tiny open wounds that will have hand sanitizer and soap scrubbed into them multiple times a day has been enough to keep me away.

I think it is interesting that at no point in my week did I consider doing this one big homework assignment I have. It isn’t due for a while (It’s a quarterly activity) but when I was in the mix of work I thought “hey, that would be a perfect time to get it done! I bet I’ll even miss thinking about work after a few days” Yeah, I miss work, but not enough to chose lifelong learning assignments over watching TV and walking the dog.

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Something important happened this week. After trying to get resolution one way on a problem I’ve been having, I stopped trying to compel action in another person. Instead, I turned to friends for support - emotional & material - as I deal with the continued frustrations. Just that act of turning away from trying to get someone to behave in a way I think they should, in a way I really do need them to behave but they won’t, just that act has freed me from a great deal of anger, frustration and distraction. I’m not necessarily getting my needs met, but I’m no longer trying to get them met in a way I know to be pretty much guaranteed to fail. Doing something different feels very good.

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There’s a term in medicine to describe what we do when we do not intervene on a person’s health. We call it Expectant Management. Some people call it Watchful Waiting. In the beginning of medical school when I thought of a point in a person’s health when there was no appropriate intervention, my assessment and plan included some sentiment along the lines of “So, we just do nothing?” But expectant management isn’t doing nothing. Seeing your patient regularly for monitoring is not doing nothing. Being aware of the ways a condition can resolve or escalate, knowing how to evaluate for changes and helping reassure and educate your patient about the health matter in question are not nothing. I couldn’t do it as a 1st or 2nd year med student. As I’m coming into my own as a physician, I’m realizing the value of watchful waiting. I am recognizing that I am actually DOING something during that time. The records are important, the visits with my patient are important, keeping tabs on and being ready to act or declare resolution take skill, knowledge and perspective. Knowing when not to act and how long continue not acting are important clinical skills.

I’ve come to love the term expectant management. I am seeing all sorts of ways to apply expectant management in my own life. When my kids have bad days, are in surly moods, I’m so tempted to interfere, to fix, to cajole, to chat them up. Often they tell me to shove off, and that it is annoying and they want to be left alone. I remember the value of expectant management in those moments. When I miss my friends who are so much closer but still too far away to see in a weekend. When I see my savings account slowly, slowly creeping up (soon I’ll have 3 digits left of the decimal!), when I recognize that I’ve had a string of expenses particular to this time of year, I know that I am going to be able to climb out of this stressful financial hole. It won’t be lottery ticket winning fast, but it will happen. I’m expectantly managing my social life too, I’m making friends and getting a circle of people around me - medical training peers, time of life peers, psychically & spiritually aligned peers. This will grow into something established and familiar, but for now it is nascent and fragile. Expectant management for friendships that I know will mature.

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Today I’m hanging pictures! And dusting! You have to be pretty close to finished with things to be at this step of the game! I’m going to make my kids do some housework today and tomorrow and then we will be party ready! I’m having a housewarming party tomorrow evening. It has been a nice goal to shoot for so that I was motivated to clean and unpack. I’m a little nervous - this is my first social gathering in this house, first batch of friends I’m inviting to my space. Tim and I used to throw really good parties. We melded well in our ability to get the house ready (but not be too stressed about it), set a table that was appetizing yet simple, and according to our friends, they were made to feel welcome and enjoyed themselves. I’d like to continue that track record, but I don’t know how much of it was a partnership skill, how much of it was me and how much of it was the friends! I’m not going to worry overmuch about it, but it is a little kernel in the back of my mind. Things are different now, but I hope that this stays the same.