Back in the saddle again

It is almost the end of the school year, my kids are tired of school, it is hard to get out of bed, hard to remember to pack a lunch, annoying to do homework. This is a tough time of year and this has been a tough year besides. Starting over is nice, starting over is a gift of childhood. They will have summer adventures, have a re-set and start the school year over again in the fall. But first we have to get through this. Just a couple more weeks!

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Local theatre company is doing Shakespeare in Love and I’m going to see it this weekend. I’m very excited. I hope it’s good. Result: it was passable local theatre, free and at a neat outside amphitheatre. We took the dog. He had fun!

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I’m almost done with a burst of steroids to help treat my hearing. It has been 2 weeks of high doses and now I’m doing about a week of a taper. The meds have been a mixed bag - some of the usual side effects were not present but I slept like crap and now that I’m tapering down the dose, I’m getting symptoms again - headaches, fatigue, appetite changes. I ate like a starving animal today and I have no idea why. And as the anti-inflammatory benefits wean, there are changes to my hearing & my tinnitus that are annoying and tiring.

Tinnitus is a tough condition to deal with. I was used to the frequency & sensation of my tinnitus but it has changed this week, maybe due to the new hearing aid but probably due to the steroids. I’m spending a lot of mental effort getting re-acclimated to my tinnitus. There are mindfulness and distraction activities that you can practice that help train your brain to either ignore or not be distressed by the constant whine coming from one side of your head. And as you are getting there, it is cause for headaches (different from the steroid headaches) and fatigue. For me, it is hard to concentrate on writing and creative tasks (some of which I have with my current role) when I’m struggling with tinnitus management.

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I got a hearing aid! I’m still getting used to it and I had to get it turned WAY down after a couple of days. I took today off from it to give myself some time to adjust to the tinnitus changes and to recover from the higher volume setting. Apparently getting a hearing aid is more like learning to drive than getting a pair of glasses. It takes your brain some time to be able to make sense of the sounds again. I don’t know that I will ever be able to tolerate a fully compensated volume but the fact that I can hear more now is amazing. Listening to my own voice is one of the interesting changes, I am singing with the radio more now. I was overwhelmed by the return of the hearing, I didn’t realize how much I had lost. Now I’m just trying to get to a new normal.

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I’m getting ready to go back to residency. It is an interesting if somewhat nerve-wracking experience. My program continues to be amazing and innovative and we are talking about how to structure my return to maximize success. Since I’m going to have to take extra time anyway now, we are working on building in some cushion so I can single-parent effectively and still reliably meet obligations to my co-workers and my training. I’ve also been thinking a lot about how to come back mindfully so that my co-workers can be honest about the time I’ve been gone and what it’s meant for them. It is going to be a several weeks process.

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The relevant people have been consulted and notified, specifically my children and the other residents, and it has been officially announced - I’m going back to work on June 10th. I continue to be so grateful for the space and time to take care of my family and myself. I’m a little apprehensive about going back - it’s a bit like choosing to go for a walk in gale force winds. But as soon as I made the decision to go back, I started feeling better about things. This is still what I want to do, still what I am most excited about.