It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that I’m not going to labor & delivery tomorrow. I’m going to have a conference call instead, to learn more about the first undertaking in my new role. 40 hours a week seems like hardly working at all to me at this moment, though I know that is not so.
I have been given a rare gift, and I’m abundantly grateful for it. I know that my children need more high touch parenting right now, that they are processing grief surrounding abandonment and that the only antidote to that right now is connection and presence. And soon enough, I will be done with full time parenting and this brief moment is going to be so precious to me.
I have been given a rare gift, and I’m abundantly grateful for it. I know that my children need more high touch parenting right now, that they are processing grief surrounding abandonment and that the only antidote to that right now is connection and presence. And soon enough, I will be done with full time parenting and this brief moment is going to be so precious to me.
Brain weasels abound, despite my best efforts to remain positive. The only thing to do is notice them and let them skate on by (Weasels on skates, at least the imagery is entertaining). Yes, I remember that I don’t like to be a stay at home parent. Thanks for the reminder, but that’s not what’s happening. Just keep skating. I know, this isn’t helping my feeling of not belonging but those are feelings, not reality. Keep gliding through. Yeah, it is easy to see how, through a certain, warped lens, this could be considered a failure. Carry on. Other people are indeed being inconvenienced by this, you’re right, Weasels. I don’t like that and I wish it weren’t so. Let’s all notice that for a moment and then you can be on your way again.
Let’s just say I’m getting my money’s worth from the Headspace app this week.
I’m so grateful for this opportunity, despite the brain weasels, and I’m looking forward to my new role. I’m starting tomorrow, in part to save some of my PTO but also because the new job is interesting and I’m going to enjoy it.
I’m having what I interpret as a “lazy day,” which is quite judgemental I know and probably still an incomplete interpretation of what is going on. I can’t seem to get out of bed. I’m hungry, I have shit to do. I just can’t muster the ganas to move. I have clean, dry hair, I could fix my roots. I have a leaking toilet, I could run to ACE hardware. I could do more research for my lit review. I could do a craft project or go to yoga. I could do yoga here. I could walk my dog. I could straighten the house. I could pay bills. I could fix myself some food.
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I’m having what I interpret as a “lazy day,” which is quite judgemental I know and probably still an incomplete interpretation of what is going on. I can’t seem to get out of bed. I’m hungry, I have shit to do. I just can’t muster the ganas to move. I have clean, dry hair, I could fix my roots. I have a leaking toilet, I could run to ACE hardware. I could do more research for my lit review. I could do a craft project or go to yoga. I could do yoga here. I could walk my dog. I could straighten the house. I could pay bills. I could fix myself some food.
Why don’t I want to do anything? I’ve lost my forward momentum and I’m not sure where it went. I think I’m suffering from the loss of my delayed gratification. Instead of living for the moment in the future when I get what I am working toward, I’m actually living IN a moment and it is surprisingly unfulfilling. This is an opportunity to slow down, which nearly every OB/GYN resident wants, right? Our lives run at a breakneck pace and it is exhausting. We have all fantasized about slowing down in some way - becoming a fitness instructor, working at Starbucks, laying on a beach. These are all fantasies my fellow co-residents have espoused. Where I find myself now - working a decent schedule for a decent wage with 2 kids at home - is a more practical, mid-life version of that fantasy. And here I am, unsurprisingly, feeling a little empty without the drive, the rush toward something, propelling me forward.
This is going to happen every time I slow down, because the energy that gets you to the goal is not the same energy that keeps you going once you’ve gotten there. I’m an incredibly driven, competent person who is sorely ill equipped to cope with a life that is filled with things that make me happy NOW. I don’t know how to be content. I don’t know how to live without unrelenting obligation. I don’t know how to fill space with just...myself. It feels exhausting to try.
My plan is to allow myself this morning of stillness, to remove that label of “lazy” from my behavior. To notice the feelings that are accompanying the lack of drive to act. To allow them space to exist in me. I will have to get up soon, because I still have obligations, despite the relative ease of my new arrangement. I will try to allow these feelings to have space even when I move, give them some air and allow them to shift, as feelings always do when left to their own devices. Let’s see what they become.
There’s an expression, “May you live in interesting times.” (It is purported to be a Chinese curse but it is not actually so, the trail of the quote ends at British colonizers, attributing it to the Chinese) Whatever the origin, I love the backhanded nature of that curse. I have often thought that a similar curse could be “May you have stubborn daughters.” I say “daughters” and not “children” only because my daughter is the most stubborn person I know. Besides me, perhaps. Parenting stubborn is ungratifying and tiring. Getting a stubborn person to adopt a behavior change is particularly exhausting. I’m learning a lot about not being co-dependent by parenting teenagers. They are a special kind of self-centered that actually might be good for me to interact with. I’m needing a lot of the same emotional stability in the face of chaos that I found myself needing when they were toddlers. Whoever compared preschool development with adolescence was Spot. On. Brains are weird.
The one-two punch of entering my forties and starting medical school in the context of the specific stressors of my life has resulted in my body being in the worst shape it has EVER been in. Including compared to the days immediately postpartum when I had no pelvic floor tone and had not shed more than the weight of my children and their uterine accessories.
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There’s an expression, “May you live in interesting times.” (It is purported to be a Chinese curse but it is not actually so, the trail of the quote ends at British colonizers, attributing it to the Chinese) Whatever the origin, I love the backhanded nature of that curse. I have often thought that a similar curse could be “May you have stubborn daughters.” I say “daughters” and not “children” only because my daughter is the most stubborn person I know. Besides me, perhaps. Parenting stubborn is ungratifying and tiring. Getting a stubborn person to adopt a behavior change is particularly exhausting. I’m learning a lot about not being co-dependent by parenting teenagers. They are a special kind of self-centered that actually might be good for me to interact with. I’m needing a lot of the same emotional stability in the face of chaos that I found myself needing when they were toddlers. Whoever compared preschool development with adolescence was Spot. On. Brains are weird.
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The one-two punch of entering my forties and starting medical school in the context of the specific stressors of my life has resulted in my body being in the worst shape it has EVER been in. Including compared to the days immediately postpartum when I had no pelvic floor tone and had not shed more than the weight of my children and their uterine accessories.
In related news, I started physical therapy today. I lovehate the way that PTs can evaluate a person’s body and then give them a series of TEENY TINY exercises that don’t seem like a big deal except they hurt like lava when you do them. I’m an exceptionally compliant PT patient, and I’ve seen great results the times I’ve needed PT in the past. I was recently diagnosed with arthritis in both my knees and I’m certain this is not a new finding, only that the deconditioning of the last 5 years has brought it to light. Seriously, I was cruel to my knees. For decades. I had this coming. I’ve been waiting for it. And I’m young and the arthritis isn’t that bad, so there are significant lifestyle modifications that I can do that I anticipate helping a lot. Overall, I’m hopeful.
My mom has been visiting and I feel a little like a bad host because mostly we sit around and watch interesting National Geographic shows and read books and hang out. I feel like I should be showing her the town or something. It is amazingly nice to have another cook (who makes more than Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken and frozen pizzas) and seriously great to have an adult here to roll their eyes with me when my kids respond to my outrageous demands that they do chores. I’m surrounded by adolescents. An adult lifeline is sanity.
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Ooooh, I so hear you on the not knowing how to slow down and live life at normal people speed rather than OB/GYN or midwife speed. It's hard. I fantasize about it all the time, but I am terrible at being lazy, going on vacation, etc. It's been a slow unlearning process. Sitting zazen at my local Zen Buddhist temple has helped some...but not completely. No words of advice, just solidarity.
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