The bullshit that is happening in the Senate judiciary committee this week is not helping me. Like many (most?) women in America, I’m a sexual assault and trauma survivor. I don’t think about it a lot but it’s there and it has come roaring back to my front burner this week. I’m dreadfully proud of Dr. Ford, not just that she came forward, but how she did it and how she comported herself during the process. And the whole damn thing is triggering, a word I don’t particularly like, but it’s appropriate in this context. I feel like I’m listening to a loud drippy faucet ring out in a quiet night while I’m trying to sleep. Just as I’m drifting off *PING* there it goes again and my adrenaline surges. I want to do something incredibly restorative and self-soothing tomorrow but I’m not sure what it would be. A hike someplace beautiful, maybe. Where I can get my feet wet if I were so inclined. Western NC is known for its beautiful waterfalls. Hmm. That sounds very grounding. Bonus if I can take the cute pup with me.
That being said, I’m still chipping away at my emails and just finished 2 writing projects that were anticipated several weeks ago. I am enjoying having my brain back and being able to see my kids more. So all OR all the time, not really what I’m looking for either.
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I am now one-quarter of the way through what is arguably the most inhumane of my 4 years of residency. This year I will have 12 weeks of night call, much more frequent weekend coverage, the god damned 24 hour shifts (those don’t go away). This job is back breaking, it is destructive to one’s psyche and it is murder on any notion of balance. Despite how upsetting it might sound, I state this without emotional distress. The material is difficult to master and it should require superhuman effort to do so. We hold life in our hands. We have to know our shit. And despite all those practical and logistic realities, it is not an abusive environment. The superiors are supportive and there are many structures in place to help diffuse the hardship. I don’t feel like I’m on the receiving end of a psychological beating. I’m just really fucking tired.
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I have been delayed gratification girl for so many years. I have recently been prompted to make more declarative statements to someone about “what I want.” This person is not necessarily in a position where such requests/demands are going to be met but it has gotten me thinking. What holds me back from really living, and not just surviving. I’ve been in survival mode for so long, I need to deliberately break out of the mindset, it isn’t just going away. Conversations with people who ARE on the inside, who get to hear my process and know my heart, have helped me realize that I have a great big psychological boogey man standing between me and my goals. I have a Dweller on the threshold and I’m calling it the “BUT HOW.” Because when I think about things that I want - friendships, romance, socializing, etc. I get a huge BUT HOW thrown in my face by this archetype in my mind that I cannot yet get around. I don’t know how I could fit one. More. Fucking. Thing. into my life, but I still want things! Like many problems at this point in my life, this is not a new issue, this is just a variation on a theme. I must know the whole path before I take the first step. Obviously I’ve gotten over that compulsion or I never would have gotten married, had children, gone to medical school, gotten divorced, moved across the country so many times, etc. But here I am, thinking about what is missing from my life, wanting to make a plan to add it, and the BUT HOW is standing in my way.
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My co-parent is planning a visit. As a result we are thrust into conversation more frequently. I’m not enjoying how these talks are going. I value having him more present in the kids lives, but it is hard for us to navigate this stuff. We cohabitated (so awkwardly) then I left, the kids followed suit shortly after. We haven’t had to manage family sharing much beyond managing vacation times. I want him to come see his kids. I want them to have time together. I’m pretty sure it is going to be painful and hard for me. I still want it.
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If all goes well, I am going to have 3 days during this rotation at a local FQHC that has services for trans patients - I’ll be shadowing and learning from an MD and a PA, and they have a support group that I’ll be attending as well. I’m trying really hard to get some experience that is going to be helpful for my eventual post-residency career. Plus I get to queer up the residency program. Win-win.
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I miss being in the OR. That is an unusual sentiment for me, I was kind of surprised by how much I like surgery. I always thought of it as a means to an end (the end being patient care) but the fact is I actually like OR days. The work is gratifying. That being said, I’m still chipping away at my emails and just finished 2 writing projects that were anticipated several weeks ago. I am enjoying having my brain back and being able to see my kids more. So all OR all the time, not really what I’m looking for either.
